he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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