please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
