if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
People with herpes should wear stickers.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
