when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
