when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
