Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
