mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
