whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
