Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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