The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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