someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
