I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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