just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
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czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
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Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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