First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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