We're facebook friends in real life
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
