I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
