my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize