Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
