Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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