the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
