he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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