So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
