Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
