I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
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It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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