...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
