can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
