My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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