apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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