So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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