who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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