If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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