i wish there were pregnant emoticons
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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