Apparently you make a good broom.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
