why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
