i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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