he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
