dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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