I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
