if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
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I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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