I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i think my cat just said my name.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
