I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
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First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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