You made me cry and you don't even care
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
