As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He did a backflip because drugs
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
