Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Im part way to drunk.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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