Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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