I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
