He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
