my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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