i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
