Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
