apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
