you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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