woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
