OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
